On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
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[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Nose
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.