The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
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Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*