My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
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I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
This makes total sense…
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.