*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
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I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian