There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
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My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.