*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
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The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
HERE’S MARKY
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Beards are a privilege, not a right
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.