Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
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Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
going to the ER y’all need anything
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
This kid will have a bright future.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
my name if I was in the mob
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles