ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
You Might Also Like
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.