[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
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Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused