Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
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I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
jesus, what did this guy do
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.