There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
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ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from