Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
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ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.