i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
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me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
#JohnTravolta
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
next question.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma