HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
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And now we wait
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Xylophonist Shredding It
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”