WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
You Might Also Like
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
President The Rock Obama
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016