I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
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Looking through 15鈥檚 yearbook:
Me: you鈥檇 crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
馃槖
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Left at a local drug store…
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
How we blocked people in the 90s 馃槃
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there鈥檚 tres
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Me: it鈥檚 cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can鈥檛 see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I鈥檒l fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here鈥檚 a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I鈥檓 gonna need you to hunch over.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.