ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
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I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Not all heroes wear capes…
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I only treason on days ending in y
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne