Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
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Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying