Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
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Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
saving face 👀
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
thinking about a very short hotdog
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
A woman drives into a bar.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary