Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
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One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
From my Mom
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Merica.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Finally!
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.