once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
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I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me: