Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
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Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600