Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
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Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Customize Your Wedding.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,