15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
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100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.