an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
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Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
We need to put an American base on the sun
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.