(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
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Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy