Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
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High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Tell the colonel to bring it
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.