*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
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#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.