Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
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“OMGJK” -atheists
boat question
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain