Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.