I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
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The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch