me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
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I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Has there ever been a more American story?
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.