My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
You Might Also Like
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Jogging
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
My dad.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth