Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
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My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
how was your vacation
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*