Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
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Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.