TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
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[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
.. do you even science?
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize