3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
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My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
How it started: How it’s going:
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close