my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
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After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.