i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
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if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably