“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
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The French word for sex is croissant.
some things should go without saying
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.