reverse psychology? that’ll never work
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[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Baller is short for ballerina
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED