so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
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I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn