Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
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You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.