stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
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Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.