If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
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[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
it was a valiant fight
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
broke down and did it
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.