How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
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I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I am laughing way too hard at this.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
fair
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.