[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
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I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule