Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
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My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Same pineapple, same
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Buying a well is money well spent.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.