A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
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Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.