I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
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CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy